I Got the Blues.....

And no, not the Kraft kind.

I'm not really sure what happened, actually. I started out the day in an unbelievably good mood. I got up early, read some of my book (Lamb by Christopher Moore. Hysterical.) I was even super excited to go to church, which is a rare thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I love church. I was raised in "the church", and I love the people there. After 16 years, most of them are pretty much family... not to mention, since I married Andrew, a lot of them (literally) ARE family. :) I've been in a bit of a rut, lately, church-wise. I've been bitter, I've been angry, I've been annoyed. So, like I said, it was nice to be excited about church today. And I enjoyed it. It lived up to my expectations. (That sounds so awful.) So after church I was invited to lunch with some good friends, Chad and Tara and their adorable little family. We went to Red Robin and I ate my heart out. (Although it didn't taste as good as it sounded.)

So anyway, Andrew worked today. He works every other Sunday, usually, so I end up having an afternoon to myself. (Actually I have every afternoon to myself, but there's something extra-special about Sunday afternoons.) So after lunch, I had a fabulous idea. Andrew recently purchased a brand new lawnmower, which I'm sure I've "blogged" about before, so I won't go into the details. I had this idea today that I would go to Old Navy. I figured I could use this expensive contraption as leverage to buy myself a couple of things...... Not so much. I ended up finding about five hundred dollars-worth of things I wanted to buy but couldn't, which resulted in me just being mad and feeling sad that we don't make more money. *sigh*

Now you must understand something. Before I got married, I was very much a money-spender. Any money I ever had literally lasted less than a day in my pocket. In fact, I was lucky if I could even make it last a few hours. I spent, and I spent, and I spent some more. Shopping has ALWAYS been something that's just plain fun for me. I don't see it as a "mental thing", like some guys would say. I don't do it when I'm depressed, or when I'm sad, or when I "need" to make myself feel better. I do it because it's fun. Andrew watches ESPN and plays his guitar all the live long day for fun, and I shop. Well, what fun is it to shop when you can't buy anything? Therein lies the paradox.

Shortly after we were married I learned how to control my spending. This branched, mostly, from my husband's lack of employment. During the course of the last 2 1/2 years, I've gone from shopping on a bi-weekly basis, to shopping on (not kidding, this is so sad to me) a quarterly basis. It hurts. I miss it. (Yes, I know this post is totally vain and I don't blame you for thinking I have no life if this is what I'm blogging about. You're kind of right.) Shopping was my friend from the time I was a wee child. And now it appears as if we've broken up. I'm in need of rekindling that friendship!

So, I went to Old Navy. Looked at everything. Purchased nothing. I have a feeling that these days, even when I have the money, I've developed a shopping-conscience. A little voice in my ear that tells me not to spend money. I hate that damn voice. So I left the store feeling sad, resentful, and angry. Sad that I didn't get what I want (jeez I'm spoiled), resentful toward my husband (and myself) that we don't earn more money, and angry that I have to be responsible with "my" money and tell myself no. And now I'm disappointed. Disappointed that I actually let this trivial little thing ruin the rest of my day. I've been nothing but crabby and short with Andrew since he got home from work. This is what led me to "blogging" about it. I figure maybe if I get it out of my system on here, it'll be gone, and I can quit complaining about it. He wouldn't understand, and if you know him, you won't wonder why. A. He's a boy. They have a special gift of ignorance (they call this "not understanding women.) and B. He's pinched pennies since he was in diapers. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "Why didn't I marry someone who'd "let" me spend money however I want?" and then I remember. Because I'd be broke.

I just need to be mindful of the reasons I can't spend that extra money right now. We've been blessed with our own adorable little home. We have cars that require insurance and tuneups every so often. We have water, we have food. We have the things that matter.

So there's my lesson. And truth be told, I didn't even know it until I typed this novel out. Who'd've thought blogging can be such an eye-opening experience.

That's all for now. I'm off to escape from Andrew's guitar-strumming to a hot shower. Then maybe I'll finish my book, or watch an up-lifting movie. (Preferably one that doesn't include shopping or cute clothes at all. I don't want to mess up my recovery.)

Goodnight.